Thursday, 17 February 2011

A year in the death: February

It has been a heck of a week, including two nights working way into the wee small hours. Moose was a little stir-crazy too as his dicky leg has been playing up and our walks have been necessarily foreshortened.

We therefore both needed a little fresh air this afternoon and, as I had to go to town to pick up a parcel, it was a good opportunity to visit R on the way back home.

Spring seems to be on its way. Snowdrops punctuate the periphery of the field, and there are catkins on the hazels already. The grass has that dead, brownish shaggy look that it takes on just before the new shoots start to appear.

Today I did something that I haven't done for a while, which is to walk up the hill from R's grave to admire the view from the top. I used to do it every time I visited, but seem to have got out of the habit lately.

From the top of the hill I can look out over the Severn valley and the flat flood plain that is regularly underwater. It is dotted with the small mounded hills known as "moel"s that are so prevalent in this area (moel means "bald" in English, and they are very reminiscent of round tonsured heads). There is nothing that makes me feel so close to R as being at the top of a hill.

And I wanted to 'talk' to him. To explain why I feel it is the right time to at least open myself up to the possibility of finding someone else. I am pretty sure he would be OK with the idea. Certainly there were no signs from beyond the grave that he didn't approve. There were no flashes of lightning. The clouds didn't form themselves into a giant NO! I didn't even step in a pile of fox poo on the way back down the hill.

R just didn't do standing still.
He fidgeted and paced and marched ahead.
Looking back I have lost count of the number of buses we missed over the years because he couldn't bear to wait at the bus stop for one to arrive, and so we had to walk to the next stop along. And then the next stop. And the one after that. Invariably the bus would arrive while we were between the two.

He would understand me not wanting my life to stagnate.
I have no idea if anything will come of this and, to be honest, it doesn't really matter if it doesn't. What is important is to feel as though I am taking my life back, being active rather than simply reactive. And I know he would approve of that.


  1. I have no doubt that my D would be okay with it ... it is I who would have the problem!

  2. "What is important is to feel as though I am taking my life back, being active rather than simply reactive. And I know he would approve of that." Love those words! Good for you! I'm feeling stirrings of this myself. Two years and spring must be combining to make me start looking forward. Thanks for the inspiration.

  3. i want you to do whatever you want to do. i want you to find peace, be at peace, have peace. beautiful photos.

  4. What a grand view from atop that hill. Agree that outcomes don't necessarily matter. Sometimes, it just feels good to be trying something new.

  5. On ya J! It's not so much what comes of this that matters, it's that you are making the decisions and choices. I'm sure R would approve of that.

  6. Been waiting for this. And I will wait as long as you need. Happiness, you deserve.

  7. what an inspiring post J. Wonderful and full of hope and courage and life renewed ... I think R would be immensely proud for sure, and I know I am ... as do I wish for you happiness and peace again in your life xxx