Monday, 14 February 2011

Lonely hearts

As seen from the top of the Berliner Dom last year.
Yet another set of steps that we never got to climb together.
I was a little bit mad that day, so I walked up all 270 steps twice - once for each of us.

I so miss being able to share views like that. Just to be able to get to the top of a hill with someone and talk about what I see. It is almost as though the experience never really happened if there isn't another person there to remember it as well.

So I did something this weekend that rather took me by surprise.
The fact that someone else was 'driving' the computer may have had something to do with it - or perhaps it had something to do with the large amount of red wine that was drunk that evening. But I signed up for an online dating agency. (And if you happen to read this, C - thank you!).

Am I ready for this?
I really don't know.
What does 'ready' mean in any case?
I am pretty sure that I don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own. I know that I like having someone to love and look after. I don't feel at all needy - just that it would be good to share with another person once more.

At some point I have to be ready. So why not now? Before the hard, hard shell I have been busily building around myself becomes too thick to chip open at all. Before I get too stuck in my ways and forget how to share.

I won't ever stop loving R, so there is no point in sitting here waiting for that to happen. I am comfortable in my own skin and know I won't settle for just anyone. I know how a good relationship feels and am not prepared to compromise on a bad one.

That all sounds terribly confident, doesn't it?
In reality I am trying not to freak out about the fact that several men have responded to my profile and am wondering whether to simply run away from the whole idea for another 6 months. The process makes me feel like a naive 15 year-old who has never been kissed.

Perhaps I am not ready after all.


  1. i hope you have fun with the dating thing. stay safe. let it unfold slowly for you. if you do not want to be alone, then i wish for you a wonderful companion. be the princess you are and only go out with whom you feel a real connection to. in other words, follow your own heart and mind. i wish all the best and peace for you.

    and when Bunny arrives, confide in her all your worries. show her the photos of the men who want to get to know you. she may have some sage advice. if not, then the two of you can laugh together over it all.

    for the first time today, for the first time in the last two days, you have coaxed a true smile out of me. peace.

  2. I know that I like having someone to love and look after. I don't feel at all needy - just that it would be good to share with another person once more.

    That's enough of a reason to give this a try. It's good that you are able to analyze your feelings and know that you would like someone to share with again. I hope you receive some nice responses.

  3. Why not? In our global world people get to know each other in all sorts of ways. Just follow your heart and mind as wNs says.

  4. good for you J. Keep us updated please ;-)

  5. I sure can understand the not having someone to share experiences with, one of a kindred spirit. Life just doesn't seem as fun or purposeful alone. So I understand why you've taken this tentative step - this scarrreeeeee step. I'm not there myself (will I ever be I winder) but I'll sure be interested in your experiences with this.

    I know there is not another D but to find someone of the same caliber of character - now that's the thing.