Tuesday, 7 September 2010


Not so much loneliness.
That's not really what it is.

By most standards, I had a good weekend.
On Sunday morning I went to a local food fair, met some friends, had lunch and a lovely mooch around, bought some goodies and the sun shone.

I miss having a hand to hold.
I miss going round the stalls tasting and comparing. Discussing which of half a dozen cheeses to buy. Arguing over the relative merits of the goodies on offer. Thinking about what would be nice to have for lunch the next day.
I am tired of having to carry all my own bags.
I hate feeling like the spectre at the feast when my friends are talking to each other.

And then I dashed home, wrote a card and went out again to a birthday party, complete with hog roast. I didn't know many people, but that's OK. It is a familiar feeling these days, and I am getting pretty good at making cheerful small talk with people. I didn't even burst into tears when someone said something nice about R. It was fun sitting around the fire chatting and eating, and I was surprised to find myself quite so reluctant to leave when I did.

I miss having a hand to hold. A base to return to when the conversation runs out.
I miss physical contact full stop.
I hate that sore-jawed feeling that only comes from spending several hours nervously smiling.
I am so tired of being alone.

I am lucky. There are friends and family who love and care for me. I receive and accept invitations. I appear to be coping - I work, look after myself and pay bills. Most problems no longer seem insurmountable once I stop panicking about them. I am fit, healthy and solvent.

I so miss having a hand to hold.


  1. I completely understand exactly what you've written about. I feel the same way. I wish there was a simple solution, besides turning back time...

  2. This is the exact issue I've been thinking about. How we feel when our "person" is gone. The easy intimacy,communication through looks and touch, the calmness that can bring. So sad.

  3. Yeah, that would be hard. Hugs

  4. Hit nail on the head with this post, and am now sniffling at desk at work.

    It's like we are little boats bobbing about on water that is sometimes navigating through ripples, sometimes through tsunami's and we do ok. But we keep sailing. Relentlessly. No harbour to go to anymore.

    It's so tiring.

  5. Yes, this is how it feels. I'm coping - probably fairly well - but there's an emptiness to the whole thing. After awhile it's just tiresome. It reminds me a bit of playing hide and seek when you're a kid - and maybe the littlest one who has a hard time finding where everyone is hidden. Finally you've had enough and are ready to give up and have everyone appear -- only this time, they won't ever appear. Yes. I'm getting a little tired of that feeling.

  6. amen, and ditto to you J, and everybody else. SO much miss the ease, the home base.

  7. Thank you everyone. There does seem to be a spirit of aimlessness in the air at the moment, and it is so tiring.
    The boat analogy works so well for me - that is just how it feels. I wish I could find that safe harbour.