Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Looking forward

I am resisting the temptation to simply post pictures of lambs for the next few weeks!
The last one was born this morning - so that is two singles and my first ever set of twins. All are healthy and thriving, and the mothers seem to be fine too. I had a wonderful moment at the weekend when my 3 year-old no. 3 niece held the little ram twin in her arms. The look of joy on her face was worth every minute of worry and all the late nights and early mornings checking the sheep - and of course I didn't have my camera there to capture it.

These new lives seem to have triggered something in me.
The day that the twins were born, I was also offered the choice of a litter of piglets. I had almost got to the stage of deciding that I wasn't going to have any more pigs when these came along. The timing was just right, I was feeling optimistic and have booked a pair of weaners. If nothing else it will ensure that I have some visitors over the Summer - I swear people come just to feed and scratch the pigs, rather than for my scintillating conversation!
I am going away for a few days next week, but when I come back I shall go and collect them, and my little farmstead will be full to bursting once more.

What it triggered, though, was a realisation that I am really starting to look forward again. I have been at the very best doing nothing more than treading water since the day R died, desperately trying to keep my head above the waves. It feels very positive to be thinking several months into the future again. I'd like to say that I once again have goals for my life, but that would be a little optimistic. Nevertheless, I do seem to be sniffing the air of the future and sensing that there are good things there.

To make the most of this new positivity I have decided to organise some sort of memorial 'do' for the 2nd anniversary of R's death. Last year was just a date to get past without falling apart. This year I would like to have lots of people around me, to laugh and smile about him, to eat, drink, talk and walk - all the things he loved to do, with the people he loved most.

Now organising really isn't one of my strong points. It was generally R who issued invitations and brought in the crowds. But this year I feel I can do it myself. Perhaps the people will be different - just the ones with whom I feel safe - but the act of drawing up lists and starting to make phone calls feels good and right. One of the lessons that the past 21 months has taught me is that, while I do enjoy peace, quiet and my own company, I also love it when my home is buzzing with people.

So I have decided to have it the weekend after R's anniversary, and am hoping that anticipation of the event will make the weeks beforehand easier.
My notebook is open on the kitchen table, and I have started to write lists. Not just the "Buy loo paper. Pay water bill before I get cut off" sort of list, but lists of people, where I am going to put them and what to feed them.
Yes, looking forward again is a good feeling.

4 comments:

  1. Now a few months after the first anniversary of Richard's death, I have also caught my self looking forward again and it feels good.

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  2. This is a hopeful post, I hope your planning results in a fun and memorable gathering. I, for one, wouldn't object to more lamb photos and am really looking forward to piglet photos! We have firmly resolved to raise our first pigs next year.

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  3. Wonderful. Such a looking forward post. Great idea to have people you are comfortable with around for the second anniversary.

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  4. Good for you! I can feel the hope bursting from your post. Finding moments like that are real treasures. I hope many more fill your days and weeks and months ahead!

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