Wednesday, 12 August 2009

The calm after the storm

That's how it feels now after all the emotion of the last couple of weeks.

I so hope I can keep this feeling with me for a while.
I like calm. It allows me to feel R's presence in my life rather than his loss. It means I can look after myself properly as I know he would want. It lets me concentrate on my work so I don't need to worry about not earning enough to pay the bills. It gives me time and headspace to think about the other people I love - the ones who are still here.

Calm doesn't mean that I am forgetting him. It doesn't mean that I no longer love him. That will never happen.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings


  1. I can feel the peace and serenity you have reached through your words. The ability to feel R's presence instead of the loss and to be able to devote time and attention to the living is such a tremendous attainment. This is the place I think we are all supposed to eventually find ourselves.

    I never knew of this poem by e.e. cummings and it so appropriately fits here and now. Those last two lines just flooded my heart with emotion and tears. I do not think there is a more touching way to acknowledge love than by saying, "I carry your heart in my heart." cummings knew that love never dies because we keep carrying it forward and keeping it alive in our hearts. Thank you for touching mine with your words and that of cummings.

  2. i've always loved this one of his, cummings. his writing is so pure. i'm very happy for you, that you are sitting peacefully on this crest of calm. i hope it lasts and lasts and that this is that simple, unseen, yet pivotal point that is the next step on the journey of grief. R is not less because of it, nor your beautiful marriage. in fact, he becomes more for your enduring and continuing to live. i pray that someday i can honor my Dragon in such a beautiful and sincere way, as you stated, "as he would want me to."

    you continue on in my thoughts. peace always.

  3. J - what a beautiful poem.

    I have to tell you that you have inspired me. It's flipping it around isn't it so that being calm, working properly and ensuring that you do basic stuff like looking after yourself properly means that we do love them and miss them. Like honouring their memory by living the way they would want us to. I like this a lot and am keeping it with me!!!! You've just thrown me a lightflash of inspiration ... and a change of attitude for me to work towards. Thank you J. I hope the calm skies stay over your hill in Wales. Love and hugs xxx

  4. I have to tell you that like Boo, you greatly inspired me to see my situation differently. I just posted about this in my blog but in essence what you made me realize is that it is time for me to take some of that huge effort I am spending grieving and turn it into energy for those who are currently involved in my life. Kind of like to live for the living.

    It was seeing my situation in a totally different light and wanting to make a different/positive change. Know that your post hit a nerve with me and gave me some courage to stop relying on the safety net of my sorrow to focus more on the now.

  5. @ WitM: It's funny. When I started writing all these words and posting them up for the world to see, I wasn't really sure what to expect. I know that I have been given such a boost, and so much help from the comments that people leave in response to what I write. So it makes me feel very warm and rather humbled to know that they have reached someone else to such an extent. Thank you for everything you have written here, and I hope that my words have helped you in the same way.

    @ WomanNShadows: I think that calm is the best that I can aspire to at the moment. I like to think that there are other, more positive emotions out there waiting for me, but for now I am content with calm. I very much hope that you find it too.

    @ Boo: Yes, honour him. Live well, and show him how much you love him every day that you do that.