Monday, 23 March 2009

Riding the wave

"How are you doing?"

How to answer.

OK. Up and down. Just surfing the wave.

Perhaps the last of these is closest to the truth. From the early days when I could barely stand upright on my board for a few minutes, let alone any longer, I now see that I have come a long way.

The view from upright on my board isn't bad. I can see the sun shining and the little puffy white clouds. There are birds flying in the sky, people with smiling faces a long way off on the beach. In these brief moments with the wind in my hair and salt spray on my face, I remember just how great it was to be alive and think, "I can do this. I really can do it."

Every now and again an extra-large wave catches me unawares, unceremoniously dumping me into the water, with a noseful of water and arms and legs flailing in an undignified fashion. Some days I can laugh at myself and climb back on the board. On others I need to sneak onto the beach, dig a large hole in the sand and hide there until the world has gone home.

The strange thing is that I can feel these waves building up behind me, but don't seem to have the capacity to take evasive action. There is a Significant Day coming up and it appears to have triggered the flashbacks that I thought I finally had under control. The swell of emotion is growing and no amount of positive thinking seems to help. I just know that soon I am going to find myself soaking wet having just received a seawater enema.

I really want to understand this "thing". I want to enjoy the life that stretches out in front of me. I don't want to - no! I won't be defeated by the utter crap that is R's death.

But sometimes it is hard getting back on the board.


  1. Would it help if you remember that there are all different kinds of waves? Someday those waves will carry you to fun. Someday to ecstasy. I know it's awful not being in control, doesn't seem to be your issue but, we are not in control.

    Significant days definitely require preparation, and not just for that day, usually before and after are worse. You seem an introvert, but might it be helpful to not be by yourself for a few days? One thing that made some difference for me. Or distraction? Like offering to help some folks, perhaps as ewes deliver? Tilling? Planting? Intense physical labor?

    Just some ideas.



  2. Hmm. Lots of food for thought there, Supa. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
    Possibly I am in need of distraction - I'm normally the queen of manic busyness, but the last couple of days have been quiet. Leaving me too much time for thinking.
    Offering myself for relief lambing isn't a bad idea, though. A couple of night shifts in the lambing shed would be guaranteed to lift the gloom.

    J xx